Dream

Dream

In the trapped darkness of ma loneliness heart and thoughts faded away….
I crack open a space in ma mind where I keep ma dreams…
Hidden and locked inside revealing bright colors and shatter paths
And sounds filled with laughter I sweep away those dreams like dust under the carpet…
Sometimes for the briefest of time they become Fantasies filled with life
But when I seal the crack I am left alone Trapped in the darkness
Struggling to hold a dream glowing and gone A lifeless dream scattered into the winds that howl.......

I miss you more than words can ever say
I'm going to need you more and more each day
Your words warm my soul
And reach out to my very core
I can lose myself in your eyes
And it breaks my heart to say "goodbye"
I wish you all the love and happiness this world can offer
As i move away from you further and further
Life without you is going to be as barren as a desert
Leaving me heartbroken and bereft of pleasure
The need to be with you becomes greater and greater
Till this desire can no longer get any bigger
I miss your smile, your charm, your humor
I miss the strength that has always sheilded me like an armor
I need you here to kiss away my tears
To erase my sorrows
I need you for all the tomorrows.....

Ritesh Kotian..................

Love beats

I am admitting that I am smitten…

And I am head over heals over this girl. I don't know who she really is even I don’t know de full name of her not even the birth year, and we have not even had a Blood relationship or any physical touché conversation. All i do is to sit and listen when she speaks, a sweet voice which spines in ma head and if i do speak, ma voice will never reach her like hers reaches mine. But do i want to? I am not sure. Moreover that sweet voice has kept me spell bound for the last couple of years. To be exact, since i landed in Pimpri. Ma way of traveling was bike from pimpri to pune an while travel with ma friend her musical voice ringing through ears.

This is not de 1^st time I am going, I been there too with one friend, still remind a heavy drunken mind an asking for the address an name… could be bitten up there by local peoples or a watchman of building or could be behind de bar… but cant remove more time over place an we bagged came back to our home town.

Then de second attempt with one more friend…

An unfortunately we reach the same location an get de accrued address, could be wrong place but as far mind says would be same location, between the bloom of rain between doom I saw some one singing… Finally i realized that she can sing also. That too, not bad. (I for that matter, bray!) Half ma friends around me had a hypnotized look on their face which i didn't like at all. I was not sure if that was because of her or the song that she played on her radio. The sense of music was exactly like mine. And that laugh.. Awwoooo.. i envy all the guys who work with her who get the golden moments to share when she laughs.

She speaks good marathi. And i haven't heard anyone talking marathi so sweetly as she does. Ma friend said its because she is form pune or nashik or else she mixes English with marathi. I don't care if she mixes English with Pudina chutney. As long as its her, its good. I am almost on the verge of learning marathi so that i could follow her word by word.

I got really pissed off when de day i was not able to talk her or listen to her. I realized then that she has gotten into ma mind so much. I almost decided to do a Munna Bhai and go to her daddy’s office way and talk to her. But i basically being a coward, found hundred and one reasons to not to do so. What if she is Daughter? What if she has Relatives almost next to her? What if she has a lots of friends? What if she is the sister of a local goon? And more terribly, what if she is single and said OK for me? What will i do then? Questions are always easy to find. Its to find the answers that gives the problems.

So i decided to do what i can do best. Written a blog. Not that it will make a world of difference. I don't even know if she reads this blogs. And i don't have the guts to tell her to come and read ma blogs. She being a leading RJ of an FM radio might have many things in her mind other than reading ma stupid blogs.

But I am smitten by her….

hhmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm! Ritesh .....

Confession..........

Confession.................

Sometimes I get confused that what should I believe……..I mean I strongly believe in destiny…..destiny which is made by god for us………destiny which is pre planned by Him……..destiny which always proves me wrong……..whenever I feel that everything is going wrong and now there’s no way than at that very moment He (God) sent someone for my help………I also get confused when I think about God and destiny side by side……..for me God is my provider…..He’s the only power which provide me love, strength to fight back in difficulties, my friends who are always there for me at my weaker stage, my family who’s my biggest strength, my will power and above all bless me with such wonderful parents, Sis and also my grandpa, however, he is not with me…….he is sitting up there with god seeing me with so much love in his eyes……but still something is missing……I can not find out that missing space in my life…….feeling as if m running for something……..may be running for success…….by God’s grace I have everything which is required by a person like love of all my loved ones, sound family, good friends, good education specially I’m proud of being a convent educated boy because my school was my base and helped me to make me confident and carry myself with dignity in this society………..I don’t know why I’m writing all this. Actually there are so many things which are going on in my mind right now but not getting an words to convert into words………and I myself don’t know what I want to write……..fine it’s more than enough now…..I can not control my emotions now…..actually I have seen so many dreams for me , my family and my grandpa that now I’m feeling as if I’m over stressed by my expectations from myself…..I have a lot of strength to fight back with complexes which r coming in my way these days……..I have lot of will power still left in me………..and it’s all because I personally believe that my biggest strength is my blind faith on my God………He have always blessed me with everything which I needed……..whenever I asked him to give me something he gave me in big quantities……….and that’s how my faith developed……n today for the first time time I’m really feeling guilty………..actually this time when I asked him for something he didn’t gave or I can say may be he’s delaying to give it at right time……….but this time I don’t know why I lost my patience and fought with Him(God)…….I said so many bad things to him……I said He don’t love me, however, somewhere in my sub-consciousness I knew that I’m doing wrong……..He love me……but I’m like that……I can not keep things within me………n now it’s around 4 months of guilt which I’m suffering from………..I said sorry to Him but I think He didn’t forgave me because I’m still waiting for him to wave his magic wand n bless me…………I know I’m expecting so much after committing a mistake……..but I just have Him to forgive me for all my mistakes and nourish me with my needs and selfish desires………….I can not expect anyone else for this………..and I believe that everyone of us have Him in us and if u people can help me out to come out of this feeling of guilt then please help me…………please forgive me………m asking u too 4 forgiveness of my mistakes as all of u have Him within u………….. I’m SORRY…….

Ritesh........

I have full faith and belief on you.

It hurts. I don"t want you to fix it for me in this moment. Just let me feel this pain so I can let it move through me in and out, away from ma heart. I am confused and scared and angry and full of sadness and grief. I know it will happen someday. I know I need to have patience but please don"t shush these emotions because you are scared for me and don"t know what else to say. Just validate ma feelings. I know soon I"ll wake up refreshed and renewed with more insight and a clear mind but today I am full of a heaviness that is taking every ounce of strength that I have. So I cannot be today what you want me to be.

Ma Dear Swituu… (Ma sweet Baby), everything you said the other day was so perfect. I have changed ……. But you think I have changed for you. No, that’s not true. But anyway I won’t give any explanation, because I am sure somewhere deep within you know how it is. Just want to say one last thing thank you for creating such a wide open space for ma feelings and for yours. I love you…..

I love you,
I cherish you,
you are perfect just as you are...
Yes, you are perfect just as you are FOR ME!!!
I believe in you
I have faith in you.
You are capable doing everything to make us happy and stay together.

You asked me many times, that I don’t have full faith or trust on you that you can built a better tomorrow for us. I had no answer infact that was something I never even thought in ma dream you asking me, when you know me to core. I not only love you for what you are but also for you have been what you where…… and I have full faith and belief on you.

I know I’ve let u down, I never meant to but it just did happened.

Just want to say one thing " The question is not what you look at, but what you see."

Everyday with every worthless word we get more far away, the distance between us makes it so hard and more and more difficult for me to explain things, it hurts but I guess it may be the only way.

I screw up one thing after another. Weather it’s me being too hyper, or too loud. I screws up so many things. I wish people didn’t think I was psycho. Yes, I am a psycho, Weirdo, insane. I wish so many things would change. But the littlest changed thing could change your whole life. You could be one breath away from your last. You could be one step away from falling. You can be one tear away from a breakdown.

Life is so weird….

dReAmS cAn oNLy bE dReAmS... NotHiNg mOrE... tHe MoRe yOu HoPe fOr, tHe hArDeR YoU"d FALL!!!!

ritesh kotian

I can’t seem to crush this nagging thought

I don’t know what to do…and say.. I have been feeling upset ….This is one of those times when you really kneel down in front of God close eyes and wish he could give you wings to fly…you must be thinking what’s wrong with this senti-mental guy…. But I can’t seem to crush this nagging thought from ma mind…. No, friends nothing wrong with me just am upset and worried because ma Honey , ma bachii… is unwell from past few days………I was talking with her on phone night and I could feel how unbearable was that for her…. Its hurting… Ma love caught up by cough and cold … its winter over approaching there in place … hmmmm…..could be the change of weather, an in a new atmosphere she is suffering from running nose, sore throat, bad cough and little fever with small pain in stomach …..Yesterday she had an awful headache was finding it difficult to talk also......I miss her to pieces, but not able to do anything…. Couldn’t sleep wholenight yesterday….. life is so disturbed suddenly … donno what to do???........No one around all alone she is, sick and tired……. she Msged me on the phone my heart was crying with the pain she was suffering …. I donno when I will be by her side taking care of her need….. I"m feeling crabby … God, please please send me to her…… or send her to me……….please u just have these two option…... no other way……and with a time limit …….please don’t take donkey years like we human beings……cant bear this anymore…. Please….Please Please Please Please take care of her God….. she got only you right now who can take care of her……I can’t say….. How I wish you"re by my side now….. I am crying silent in ma heart (without you knowing) I"m really too emotional. More than anyone I have known or read about. I have just learnt to hide it and she taught me to do that … but at this moment just cant control ma self…eyes filled with tears and now they are flowing non-stop... I know when you read this you will also get upset because I am worried and will immediately call me and say— hey dump!! Don’t worry I"ll will be ok……
Sweetheart, I cried for those time because no one out there with you to understands how you feel….. But I think that’s ok…… I know He up there can see everything….. you just be yourself and take care of yourself for my sake… eat food and take medicine on time….Just keep on holding to God"s unchanging hand. He will take care of you….till the time he wraps us together in the gold laced bag he named – MARRIAGE --- I will also be holding on ma faith that God will take away all the sufferings and will heal you and make you healthy soon-----

BIG BEAR HUGS N KISSES! DONT WORRY I WONT squeeze too tight! Praying for you your dump naughty senti ritesh !!!!

You Are The Moon --- With Mute Sound…..

Shadows all around you as you surface from the dark
Emerging from the gentle grip of night"s unfolding arms
Darkness, darkness everywhere, do you feel all alone?
The subtle grace of gravity, the heavy weight of stone


You don"t see what you possess, a beauty calm and clear
It floods the sky and blurs the darkness like a chandelier
All the light that you possess is skewed by lakes and seas
The shattered surface, so imperfect, is all that you believe


I will bring a mirror, so silver, so exact
So precise and so pristine, a perfect pane of glass
I will set the mirror up to face the blackened sky
So you can see your beauty every morning that you rise.

this blog have written long time back.. But never got a time to publish it... Ritesh K...

Is there life after birth?

Is there life after birth?"

That would be more basic, because many people are born but very few people have life. Just by being born you are not alive. You exist, certainly, but life is more than mere existence. You ARE born, but unless you are reborn into your being, you don't live, you never live. Birth is necessary, but not enough. Something more is needed, otherwise one simply vegetates, one simply dies. Of course, it is a very gradual death -- and you are so unaware that you never know it, you never become aware of it. From birth to death, it is a long progression of death. It is very rare to come across an alive person. A Buddha, a Jesus, a Kabir -- they are alive. And this is the miracle: that those who are alive never ask the question: "Is there life after death?" They know it. They know what life is, and in that knowing, death has disappeared. Once you know what life is, death exists not. Death exists only because you don't know what life is, because you are yet unaware of life, its deathlessness.

You have not touched life; hence the fear of death exists. Once you have known what life is, in that very moment, death has become non existential.
Bring light into the dark room, and the darkness disappears; know life, and death disappears. A person who is really alive simply laughs at the very possibility of death. Death is impossible; death cannot exist, in the very nature of things: that which is will remain has remained always. That which is cannot disappear. But not theoretically; you have to come to this experience existentially.

Ordinarily this question remains in the mind, whether you ask it or not: the question, "What happens after death?" because nothing has happened before death, that's why the question. Because life has not happened even after birth, how can you believe and trust that life is going to happen even after death? It has not happened after birth, how can it happen after death? And one who knows life knows that death is another birth and nothing else. Death is another birth; a new door opens. Death is the other side of the same door you call birth: from one side the door is known as death, from the other side the door is known as birth.

Death brings another birth, another beginning, another journey -- but this will be just speculation to you. This will not mean much unless you know what life is.
A wrong question cannot be answered, or it can be answered only in a wrong way. A wrong question presupposes a wrong answer. Experience is the goal, not philosophizing -- and only experience solves the riddle. You are born, but not yet really born. A rebirth is needed; you have to be twice-born. The first birth is only the physical birth, the second birth is the real birth: the spiritual birth. You have to come to know yourself, who you are. You have to ask this question: Who am I? And while life is there, why not enquire into life itself? Why bother about death? When it comes, you can face it and you can know it. Don't miss this opportunity of knowing life while life surrounds you.

If you have known life, you will have certainly known death -- and then death is not the enemy, death is the friend. Then death is nothing but a deep sleep. Again there is a morning, again things will start. Then death is nothing but rest -- a tremendous rest, needed rest. After the whole life of toil and tiredness, one needs a great rest in God. Death is going back to the source, just as in sleep.
Every night you die a little death. You call it sleep; it would be better to call it a little death. You disappear from the surface, you move into your innermost being. You are lost, you don't know who you are.

You forget all about the world, and the relationship, and the people. You die a small death, a tiny death, but even that tiny death revives you. In the morning you are full of zest and juice again, again throbbing with life, again ready to jump into a thousand and one adventures, ready to take the challenge. By the evening you will be tired again.
This is happening daily. You have not even known what sleep is; how can you know death? Death is a great sleep, a great rest after the whole life. It makes you anew, it makes you fresh, it resurrects you…

Edit from a Books an Including Personal Thoughts...

EXPECTATIONS.....

EXPECTATIONS.....
Such a big word we have it from everybody from ourselves too!!!!

Now a days what ever we do or think, we have some expectations in return, is that the reason for all the stress and running around in life....

Get up in the morning make meals for our self...in expectation some day some body else will make for us from family part...will help or make at least one meal or at least come to kitchen just for company sake or wipe ma tears because of that silly onion…Nobody comes...... pain...is it due to EXPECTATION ?

Family member thinks our new bahuu has come we brought her in house for the sole purpose of taking care of the house and son what ever is she doing is her duty and she is always doing something wrong or what is not expected for her role, like wearing jeans, adding more salt, less salt not serving on time...list goes on ...pain...is it due to EXPECTATION?

Do what ever is the best in life for the kids and when they grow up they say what you have done extra in life for me? What ever you have done was your duty even a dog takes care of their babies!!!!! They go and get busy in there own life and tension.....pain...is it due to EXPECTATION?

Loving some one more then life wants every single accepts of life coming truth, making truth that dream which saw for us, a suddenly one small mistake between mess which could be unreasonable an every things starts going ……..down…. is it due to EXPECTATION ?

In love if asking for Valid reason between Mess & Problems occurred un while, un time, un expect Rather then feeling more guilty asking for a peace of …… Silent is it due to EXPECTATION?

Quietly Listening abuse words, spoken away under any discrimination or any kind situation. Listening it but not replying Just boz of repent…….. Promise… is it due to EXPECTATION?

Kids come home from school behaves the best he can, studies does everything what ever is expected of him/her or what ever we know is good at the end of day he expects you to buy a gift and if you don’t the old behavior returns.....pain....is it due to EXPECTATION?

Go to the office give your best for the whole day, whole month, whole year you dont get any promotion or increment but your colleagues gets it either at the same place or he/she has switched to a better company with huge income, what I got from my work...depression...pain....was it EXPECTATION?

Boss always expects the best from you, if you perform good he will feel you are paid for it. for a single mistake on your part he will simply blast and make you feel like a dirt or the worst person on earth....AGAIN A EXPECTATION?

So many expectations everywhere from everyone from every single aspect of life....Can't we leave all this EXPECTATIONS and just live the life, just for its own beauty and enjoy whatever we have ....with out EXPECTATIONS FAIL…

Expectation from... Ritesh Kotian...

...DEATH... KNOCKING ON MA CHEST ….

It was late night, as according ma daily updates I came home an had dinner near by 11.30pm, I get on to sofa an watching News near by sofa ma bed is ready, on one side ma eyes getting sleepy but even I feel some problems while taking breath. But this thing all ready happens me lots of time before… so dint wondered any thing big to happen… I Started to take breath faster an more faster, from mouth… even I cough twice a time so that ma heart keep pumping… could be Blood circulation is not reaching… but then too I dint feel good… an ma body temperature goes on high, an suddenly I feel whole home in faded… I can’t see the thing form ma naked eyes…I feel some on is sitting on ma chest an wants some to take away form me… I feel some thing is been changed… Some were the things are not going right… an suddenly I fall down to floor from sofa…I can see every thing is moving just only ma body, I can’t move some… I feel some one is sitting above me an pull me out…

Yes Yes… it was Death who Knocking on ma body…

This is some … conversation which took place in ma mind when I saw ma death in front of me….

Who is this? I am soni pari (the angel of death) let me come inside.

At once, I began to shiver As one sweating in deadly fever.
Please go away, O Angel of Death! Leave me alone; I'm not ready yet.
My family on me depends, Give me a chance, O please prepense!
The death knocked again and again,
Ritesh! I will take your life without any pain,
this your soul god requires, I come not with my own desire.
I began to cry, O Angel I am so afraid to die. Please don’t take me…
I am ready to give you gold and money, but don’t send me to grave.
Let me in, O Ritesh! The Angel said, open your eyes; get up from your bed, If you do not allow me in, I will walk through it, like a Jinn…

I am not ready please give me a chance, but I dare an open ma eyes an ready to fight with ma death, it’s not so easy to take away me form ma self… if me have a gun then I would be shoot your head!!
By now the Angel was sitting on ma chest, Saying, O Ritesh! Prepare for you doom.
Why are you afraid! Tell me O Ritesh, I came hear according to gods plan?
Come smile at me, do not be grim, and come be Happy to return to Him.
O Angel! I bow my head in confident an say I always pray to god every time, every ma wrong steps he supports me, he only gives me energy to fight, he only souls ma problems… From morning till dusk “I always remind ma god” Not even I care for ma health.

God's command I always obeyed, nor for every times a day but every day I prayed to give me more energy to support me, to show right path…

A ganpati came an gone an navratri came an gone, I given ma every efforts to as a social work I have help the peoples & committee. I gave every single time to god. Even I visited to temples when ma wish comes to truth, even I donated money in to PatiDaan box. Even for charities I have donated money, for making temples i have given… even for worship of others I fasted more then 10 months at that time I left ma wine for several time, an I dint done any thing wrong between in period not even flirting with women or any crime. I obey ma family suggestion, I gave money to hungry baggers in road or railway station, I respect older age peoples, even if visitors come to home I respect them, for poor I provide waters, an also help ma friends & relatives an certain time…

O Angel! I appeal to you, let ma life for some more years, I dint seen this beautiful world yet till. i have ma family, it’s ma responsible to see after them, me having lots of responsibility to took… yet till I am small age … please don’t take me...

Angel! I do what god demands, we cannot go against His commands.
Death is ordained for everyone, Father, mother, daughter or son.
I am afraid this moment is your last, Now be reminded, of your past,

There is no time for you to repent, I will take your soul for which I am sent...

I do understand your fears, but it is now too late for tears. You breaking your promises all your life, making smile more then you made cry, you have break a heart, due to you some one hurts, yours baby & you turning off your face, no no now this tears will not going to bring happens...
O Ritesh, you have done enough wrong thing in this small age…
the time when someone required you, at that time you use abuse words for them, you became selfish just among to know your self more, you consisted your self right an rather them proving all wrong. You were paradise for your self...

It’s really a worst thing to face your own death in front of your own eyes, The thing which I have written above Is not a dream or any infection. An this is not ma views or visual towards death… yes but this is what I really feel when I saw ma self facing death, when i saw ma own life is taking away from me, and I could not do any thing at that time, I could see the things moving, I could feel air touché ma body but cant feel at that movement. I could see ma mother sitting beside me, but when she touched me I could not feel that warmness, by the time ma mind working, i felt that every thing has been stopped, the blood inside was floating like blasted volcano running out from High range.

May be I was afraid of all this...

As days go by.... I feel ma life is getting more shorter an shorter...

Written Based of Truth which saw an feel... By ...Ritesh Kotian...

Current state of Mah Mind

No matter how nice a house we live in, no matter how well educated we become, no matter how secure we feel in job or family, no matter how well we manage to provide an appearance of happiness, if we are filled with anxieties and guilt and hopelessness, we cannot make it. I am the live example…..You got to trust on it….. If we cannot escape the certainty that we are no good or have no meaning, that is bad news. We need to count, to mean something, to be important to somebody, to make a difference.

I used to think everything will be fine… now I’m sick of thinking anything at all. Some things that you wish you could change never happen. I am today sitting….. so far from home…..alone…. away from mah love….waiting for things to happen………. People say nothing worth having comes without some kind of fight ---- fight for how long? Can anyone answer that?
I haven’t understood so many things that have happened lately, especially the hurtful things, the confusing things, but it is the hope of the goodness that still remains in my life and that’s mah love---- in spite of everything, that keeps me hanging on.

No matter how strong the base or how strong the foundation, everything comes down in the end. It’s something I’ve only recently begun to understand, because why is life so unfair in the sense that it’s able to take from you the things that mean the most?
Is it worth it to die a little each day all for unseen grace? Can’t answer this? Really each day passing come with a new and a complicated step to move ahead…. The fog is getting dense I can’t see anything…….
Really someone truly said----- We can’t have the best of both worlds, life is as such. "There are many ways to die. But Finding a way to live, now that"s hard." To quit, to run, to escape, to hide—none of these options solve anything. They only postpone the acceptance of, and reckoning with, reality.

I am feeling sensitive today more than usual
the pricks of life feel more prickly raw emotions
and some foreign, perhaps some I am not proud of..

Sometimes I think, if everyone were as sensitive
as me...than I would be less hurt by them
I would be more protected
but then the earth would be more ocean,
an ocean of tears,
If all were as sensitive as me.

We need land and ocean to survive,
so I must learn to stand
firm on the land,
embrace the pricks
and then sooth myself in my
own ocean of tears,
a healing balm for me.

I would rather have eyes that cannot see; ears that cannot hear;
lips that cannot speak, than a heart without you.
Ritesh Kotian & .................................

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change

I have a lot to say and whenever I have a lot to say, I can’t manage to get it out…. What I call it short of words…. . Sometimes I wonder if I pay attention to words about myself because I am scared of testing myself…. Now here I remember the litmus test…..RED OR BLUE or Neutral….. My warnings say, "This is how I am." Too much on emotional edge….This is how I will be forever….I know there are certain things we have that we can never change about ourselves…..Things that define our persona…..when people ask about it we say….This is how I am --- Like it or leave it. Such affirmations do wonders at keeping me stagnant and hidden. Such statements give up hope before it has been given a second thought. Really these days I chew these thoughts a lot…. Donno why….?

The reality is that although this is who I am, that does not mean that this is how I will always be. Deep down yes, I will always be a cynical, sarcastic. But just because I am a lazy today does not mean I will be tomorrow. When I am unable to formulate an opinion or tell people how I feel, I feel incompetent. I think of the phrase, “Only you know yourself,” yet here I am, unable to talk about my thoughts, the very things that make me me!

Yesterday, I was talking with someone about how stressed I have been feeling. Generally I do really well under pressure. Lately, I just feel like breaking down. “Stop worrying,” was the advice I was given. I laughed and responded, “Okay.I will.” I hate it when people tell me to stop worrying. If it were that easy, I"d have done it by now. It sounds like they"re looking down on me, and they obviously just don"t get it. It"s frustrating to not be understood.

I got angry at the blasé attitude rooted in the response. It struck a chord. In the statement, “stop worrying,” I could hear my father’s words. I am okay. Not depressed. Just…. donno wht. Recently someone was talking of how they are used to living their life in extremes. Either black or white. Happy or sad. AM just relating mah life wid it… There was a day when if I wasn’t bouncing off the walls I was bawling my eyes out. A happy medium was only an appealing theory. Today I am neither happy nor sad and I guess I struggle because I worry that that leaves me balancing insecurely on the edge of two temptations. It could go either way. When I lived my life in extremes there was no question as to how I was feeling. It was painfully obvious.

I guess my mood just boils down to me not dealing well with uncertainty and wanting to know and understand. But sometimes you just can’t. And I need to be okay with that.It’s hard to understand an emotion unless you"ve experienced it. One of my LEAST favourite phrases is "You"ll come out of it." Makes me want to snap their necks...

I just keep repeating that "everything will work out in the end" over and over again until, well I guess forever. But it will all work out. Sometimes well be sad.Sometimes happy. Hopefully more of the latter. A big part of life is about understanding ourselves and growing as a person. Its not easy, and we don’t always have a way out of things. But whatever happens, you just gotta go with it. I don"t believe you always have to experience something for yourself to understand or feel it with them either. But, a lot of people can"t empathize without experience and it bothers me when people say things like, "get over it." Anyone who prescribes you a quick fix like that doesn"t know what the hell you"re feeling .One of my bestest buddies said, “There is no use in worrying. At this point there is nothing you can do to change the situation.” He is right. Whatever will be, will be, regardless of how much time and energy I put into freaking the thing out.

I want resolution now. I want to get to the bottom of things. I want to understand. Nothing is going to happen overnight, however. Nothing is going to happen for a few nights and that is what kills me. I am going to have to sit with these feelings of anxiety and fear and just have hope that they don’t overwhelm me and eat me to death.
In the meantime I shall repeat, "This too shall pass," in addition to, "Everything happens for a reason" and hope that both adages prove to be correct.

Ritesh Kotian....

Isn't this the whole story of ma life ..

Isn't this the whole story of ma life ...

FIRST PIC:


Break of Dawn -- New lease of life, Embarking upon a New Voyage......
A Child Flying Kite -- Young Blood, inspiring mind Aspiring to Fly High with Enormous Zest n Zeal... Boz U Know, Sky is The Limit......
A Small Tree -- Need to Nurture.......
Two Birds Hovering Above -- There r People Around to Take Ample Care of You, You r Actually Carefree.......

SECOND PIC:

Daylight -- You r Almost Halfway Through in This Voyage Called Life.....
Couple -- You Have a Better half of Yours to Lean Upon an Speak Your Heart Out to......
Grown-up Tree -- You Have Been Nurtured Profusely to Stand Tall an Rigidly in The Storms That May, Otherwise, Let U Down.........
A Small Tree -- You, Together With Your Better half, Have Given A New Lease of Life to Another Breaking Dawn (Your Child).........
One Bird Hovering Above -- There r Comparitively Less People Around You to Take Care of You, Unlike During Your Wonder Childhood Years.......

THIRD PIC:

Fall of Dusk -- Twilight is Setting Upon, Life Has Come a Full Circle....
An Old Man -- It's a Race Against Time Now On, It's The Beginning of The End of the Voyage....

Ageing Tree -- Signifies The Above Two Things, Second One Being The Personification of This........
Grown Tree -- Your Kins Have Grown Up, It's High Time You Start Supporting Them With Tender Care Rather Than Clashes..........
One Bird -- Self Explanatory, I Guess???
Grave -- In Course of The Voyage You Have Lost Luved Ones an You Also Start to Anticipate Your Ultimate Fate an Destiny..........

FOURTH PIC:

Nightfall -- Voyage is Over, Darkness is Looming Over, High Time to Say Good Bye....
Starry Sky -- There's Still Happiness Around, Thanks to The Aesthetic Memories Left by You an The Good Work Done Too......
Grown-up Tree -- Your Kins r Walking in Your Shoes now, It's For Them to Follow Your Footsteps Drawing Inspiration From Your Exemplary Life..
Grave With Two Crosses -- You r United With Your Soulmates an RIP......

This Pic Really have a Meaning of life...
Ritesh Kotian ....

What a loser

I am fucking pissed. I wrote a story all about ma own life, what I have seen & faced, what I have experienced and submitted to one of ma friend for further corrections.... but I been fired taking past present and feature, I had illusions that i was this great writer waiting to be discovered. Let’s say the next big thing in the world of publishing the next Ritesh a shit. But to ma horror I discovered that the stuff I write has little imagination in it. Oh! what bakwas i write. Absolute trash. On top of it ma life is real shitty rite now with nothing working for me. I don’t have any social life no laughter no smiles. Honestly never had one for ages. I don’t have a job, I flunk all the interviews that I happen to attend. I can’t write shit. The only things i can write well are essays. I can write about a tree, a house, a open sky, a human being, tears, broken heart and the rest of the kindergarten stuff. But tell me to write a decent story about relationships and all i do is write some crap…

I hate ma life, I hate ma name, Ritesh Kotian, why on earth couldnt ma parents give me a simple name like rajendra or mahendra. Why did they have to name me like a film star. I mean with a name like this i should have all the pretty dames swooning around me. I kinda shrink whenever ma name is called out in the open. I think I will shorten it to A 'dot' . I look like shit, pig faced would be like abusing the pigs. The only person who says that I look interesting is ma dear friend dolly and that too when she is in a good mood. Otherwise she too takes pot shots at me. There was this girl Priya, she was email buddy for a long time, she tried and tried but she couldn’t get ma pix from me. She wrote emails pleading for ma pixs and all i did was promise that i would send it soon. Right now she is dating somebody her junior she is definitely pissed at me coz she writes long mails telling me that she is having a whale of a time with her boyfriend. What a nasty piece of work. So this is ma life and it isn’t worth a shit. I am bitching rite now Boz i am really upset and pissed. Life is such a bitch. I dont know whether that was correct but it stays put Boz i dont want to be grammatically correct for once, so screw the grammar, screw the spellings, screw everybody. Rite now I am going to write some awfully shitty stories and irritate a lot of people. I need to get rid of this bile quick. Yeah i know i am writing like shit but i dont care i am in a shitty mood. So here are some of ma stories about a cow, a crow, a dog with a bone and few others that escape ma attention.

Story of crow
There was a crow he sat on a wire with two legs coz he had two legs only. His feathers were not flapping coz he was not flying and his beaks were closed coz he was not cawing. Ok shit i don’t know the rest of the story........ maybe the crow got shot or something well i dont know...........maybe the bloody cat ate it .........or it got electrocuted or something.......oh ya i am bloody insensitive.......ok then shoot me then. see if i care.......call maneka aunty i dont care....

Story of cow
There was this big cow it had four legs and it was standing on four of them. It had a tail because it was born with only one and it was chewing cud because cows dont chew bubble gum. The cow lifted its legs and let loose some cow dung, ok i don’t whether they lift their leg or not but this one did kasam se...........ok end of story.......bye

The tree
There was this tree and it was green above and dark brown a little below. It had many leaves I didn’t count so I can’t tell you how many exactly. It was tall I don’t know how tall coz I didn’t have a ruler with me. It was a tree and I don’t know which one coz I don’t carry wikipedia with me. So this tree grew up for days no for years till it became a very big tree again I don’t know how big because I don’t have a foot ruler with me.

A dog with a bone
A dog had a big bone. The bone was made of bone. It was a tasty bone and dog eat it with relish. Dog bite on bone many times making noise. I t;s remove the noise sho sho at the dog. Dog look at me and say go away come again another day, I don’t care and sho sho much louder but dog eat and eat and eat till bone gone from view. I then go inside and come outside with slippers and go to market for shopping......

Please dont give me lectures I in no mood for lectures or debates so pls don’t tell everything will be ok Boz everything will not be ok i know that so plz no and girls I love you very much but no I am not good looking so don’t weave phantasies around me ok. Gawd I am feeling elated rite now this shit is good.

Pleas: ma Devil Friend has brought some sandwiches for me rite now and is asking whether i would prefer chicken or palag panner for dinner. I am so hungry that i can have both but he is a kanjoos makhi choos and i dont think i am going to have either.

Note: This blog had an immediate effect on ma evil friend, special for taking past present & features an a huge bulk of lectures for her and she proceeded to give me a treat so that i would shut up and stop bothering her. So In the past few hours i have had aloo chat, roshogollas, sandwiches, palak paneer and fruits. I will not call her evil for the next twenty four hours, i think ....

Ritesh Kotian.......

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change..

I have a lot to say and whenever I have a lot to say, I can’t manage to get it out…. What I call it short of words…. . Sometimes I wonder if I pay attention to words about myself because I am scared of testing myself…. Now here I remember the litmus test…..RED OR BLUE or Neutral….. My warnings say, "This is how I am." Too much on emotional edge….This is how I will be forever….I know there are certain things we have that we can never change about ourselves…..Things that define our persona…..when people ask about it we say….This is how I am --- Like it or leave it. Such affirmations do wonders at keeping me stagnant and hidden. Such statements give up hope before it has been given a second thought. Really these days I chew these thoughts a lot…. Donno why….?

The reality is that although this is who I am, that does not mean that this is how I will always be. Deep down yes, I will always be a cynical, sarcastic. But just because I am a lazy today does not mean I will be tomorrow. When I am unable to formulate an opinion or tell people how I feel, I feel incompetent. I think of the phrase, “Only you know yourself,” yet here I am, unable to talk about my thoughts, the very things that make me me!

Yesterday, I was talking with someone about how stressed I have been feeling. Generally I do really well under pressure. Lately, I just feel like breaking down. “Stop worrying,” was the advice I was given. I laughed and responded, “Okay.I will.” I hate it when people tell me to stop worrying. If it were that easy, I"d have done it by now. It sounds like they"re looking down on me, and they obviously just don"t get it. It"s frustrating to not be understood.

I got angry at the blasé attitude rooted in the response. It struck a chord. In the statement, “stop worrying,” I could hear my father’s words. I am okay. Not depressed. Just…. donno what. Recently someone was talking of how they are used to living their life in extremes. Either black or white. Happy or sad. AM just relating ma life with it… There was a day when if I wasn’t bouncing off the walls I was bawling my eyes out. A happy medium was only an appealing theory. Today I am neither happy nor sad and I guess I struggle because I worry that that leaves me balancing insecurely on the edge of two temptations. It could go either way. When I lived my life in extremes there was no question as to how I was feeling. It was painfully obvious.

I guess my mood just boils down to me not dealing well with uncertainty and wanting to know and understand. But sometimes you just can’t. And I need to be okay with that.It’s hard to understand an emotion unless you"ve experienced it. One of my LEAST favourite phrases is "You"ll come out of it." Makes me want to snap their necks...

I just keep repeating that "everything will work out in the end" over and over again until, well I guess forever. But it will all work out. Sometimes well be sad.Sometimes happy. Hopefully more of the latter. A big part of life is about understanding ourselves and growing as a person. Its not easy, and we don’t always have a way out of things. But whatever happens, you just gotta go with it. I don"t believe you always have to experience something for yourself to understand or feel it with them either. But, a lot of people can"t empathize without experience and it bothers me when people say things like, "get over it." Anyone who prescribes you a quick fix like that doesn"t know what the hell you"re feeling .One of my bestest buddies said, “There is no use in worrying. At this point there is nothing you can do to change the situation.” She is right. Whatever will be, will be, regardless of how much time and energy I put into freaking the thing out.

I want resolution now. I want to get to the bottom of things. I want to understand. Nothing is going to happen overnight, however. Nothing is going to happen for a few nights and that is what kills me. I am going to have to sit with these feelings of anxiety and fear and just have hope that they don’t overwhelm me and eat me to death.
In the meantime I shall repeat, "This too shall pass," in addition to, "Everything happens for a reason" and hope that both adages prove to be correct.

Ritesh Kotian....

Jeet... Zidd....

JEET

Khamoshi ke is shor mein,

Zindagi ke in mod pe,

Jaane kyun kabhi kabhi dam sa ghutta hai,

Apni hi rooh ki dor se bandhan tuta sa lagta hai.

Aaj khamoshi ko jeene ka maan kar raha hai,

Iski gunj mein doob jane ka ji kar raha hai,

Khushiyon ke bich gamo ko kyun dhoond raha hoon,

Ujale mein andhkar khoj raha hoon.

Apni uljhano mein uljtha jaa raha hoon,

Apne hi banaye huye chakr ko tod na pa raha hoon,
Itna ulajh chuka hoon ki ab shabd kam lagte hain,

Vaise hi jaise amaavas mein tare kahin chup jaya karte hain.

Zindagi hai ki bar bar khatam hone ka intezaar karti hai,

Hum tal diya karte hain,

Ki uljhi yaadon ko bhi humari yaad aya karti hai.

Yaadon ke is bhanvar mein fanste jaa raha hain,

Bichde palon ko bhi zindagi ki mala mein piroye jaa rahe hain,

Mala jo tute to shayad hum bhi sanwar jayen,

Naye yaadon ke moti fir se piroye jayen,

Ghonsla tuta dekh chehkte panchi bhi to sehm jaya karte hain,

Par tinka tinka kar vo fir apna aashiyan banaya karte hain.

Logon ki bheed mein akeli si pad gaya hoon,

Shayad isiliye aaj main bhi sehm gaya hoon,

Pankh felakar ab maine bhi udna chahta hoon,

Andhkaar chir kar ujale mein aana chahta hoon.

Akelapan ki is ladayi ko main hi jeetunga,

Is sunepan ko maan mein ghar na bana ne dunga,

Akhir ab yudh ka aarambh hua hai,

Aur jeetna mujhe virasaat mein mila hai

Zidd....

Andhkar ke is bhanwar ko,

Ujale ke samandar mein uthte huye,

Pehli bar dekha hai,

Shayad mere dard ne,

Bina ijazat meri manjil ko,

Ek bar phir paar kiya hai.

Akela baitha apneap ke bare mein sochta hoon,

Kya khoya kya payaa,

Iska hisab khud se liya karta hoon,

Kuch hasin pal muthi mein se reet ki tarah fisal gaya hain,

Aansuon se bane kuch dard bhare pal,

Hatheli mein lakir ban chuke hain.

Apno ke diye dhokon se tut sa gaya tha,

Par khuda ne jo mera thama haath chhoda,

Tho maine jaise bikhar gaya.

Ab ek ek kar,

Bikhre palon ko samet raha hoon,

Rothe bilakhthe apni daastan likh raha hoon.

Ab bas main hoon aur meri tanhayi,

Bas humne hi milkar apni duniya basayi,

Manjil pane ki justaju ab bhi baki hai,

Dekhte hain aur kitni kathinayi likhi hai khuda ne,

Par ye tho taye hai ki ant mein jeet meri hai,

Akhir mujhe bhi apna zidd manvanna hai.

component By Ritesh Kotian

Tute sapne.... Khushiyan....

Tute sapne....

Dadi ki sunayi huyi vo sapno ki kahani,

Chanda mama ki vo lori ma ki zunbani,

Band ankhen kar sapno ke badlon ka chehre par mehsoos karna,

Akeli raaton mein chand se apni khwahish zahir karna,

Jaise sab kuch hamse kahin chhut gaya,

Jaise koi apna humse rooth gaya.

Nidar apni raah par chale jaa rahe the,

Apne lakshay ko samne rakh uske piche daude ja rahe the,

Umeed se ek hath ko thama kiya karte the,

Dusre hath se rab ko tham liya karte the,

Rab ne hamara hath yun chhora,

Umeed ne bhi hume dubara mudkar nahi dekha.

Lakhon ki bhid mein kal bhi akela tha,

Par sapno ka daman thame badte ja rahai the,

Lakhon ki bhid mein aaj bhi akela reh gaya hain,

Par aaj na to sapne hain na hi unke hone ka ehsaas hai.

Ankhen bhi sookh gayi hain rote rote,

Jaise nadiyan thak gayi hain behte behte,

Sapne dekhna agar gunah hai tho,

Ye gunah hum se hua hai,

Dil tutna agar iski sazza hai ,

Tho ye humne zindagi bhar ke liye kubul kiya hai.

Khushiyan.....

Umangg ki kaliyan aaj kyun khili hain,

Khushiyon ne ek baar phir karvat li hai,

Labon pe hansi ankhon mein nami bade din baad aayi hai,

In ansuon ne bade din baad palkon ko dastak di hai.

Is rehsymai khushi ko bayan karna zaara mushkil hai,

Jaise door bikhre taron ko ginna namumkin hai,

Surrya ki kiran ek nayi shuruat deti hai,

Par chandni raatein bhi to sapno ko sanjone ki raat deti hai.

Is anjaani khushi ko kya naam dun,

Ho sake to badle mein ek hansi ki saugaat dun,

Gamon ke bich khushiyan dhundna mushkil zaroor hota hai,

Par yaadon ke bich,

Hansi ki ek lehar ka maza kuch aur hi hota hai.

Aankhon ke samne khushiyan bikhri padi hain,

Inhe sametne ke liye hathon ki kami lag rahi hai,

Hansti khilkhilati khushiyan mujhe bula rahi hain,

Bahein phelay mujhe pukar rahi hain,

Hath jo badaya maine to apni taraf khich liya,

Gamo ke andhkaar se nikalkar,

Khushiyon mein dhakel diya.

Ab kyun ankhon mein phir se nami hai,

Khilkhilati khushiyan aansuon ko poch rahi hain,

Ye ansu bhi bade ajeeb hote hain,

Bina puche apni rah bana liya karte hain.

Kash ye aansuon ki lehar roj aye,

Kash ye bikhri khushiyan mere seene mein sama jayein,

Par jana to inhe bhi hoga ek na ek din,

Tho phir khushiyon ka jashan hi kyun na manaya jaye.

Edit Written By Ritesh Kotian