Current state of Mah Mind

No matter how nice a house we live in, no matter how well educated we become, no matter how secure we feel in job or family, no matter how well we manage to provide an appearance of happiness, if we are filled with anxieties and guilt and hopelessness, we cannot make it. I am the live example…..You got to trust on it….. If we cannot escape the certainty that we are no good or have no meaning, that is bad news. We need to count, to mean something, to be important to somebody, to make a difference.

I used to think everything will be fine… now I’m sick of thinking anything at all. Some things that you wish you could change never happen. I am today sitting….. so far from home…..alone…. away from mah love….waiting for things to happen………. People say nothing worth having comes without some kind of fight ---- fight for how long? Can anyone answer that?
I haven’t understood so many things that have happened lately, especially the hurtful things, the confusing things, but it is the hope of the goodness that still remains in my life and that’s mah love---- in spite of everything, that keeps me hanging on.

No matter how strong the base or how strong the foundation, everything comes down in the end. It’s something I’ve only recently begun to understand, because why is life so unfair in the sense that it’s able to take from you the things that mean the most?
Is it worth it to die a little each day all for unseen grace? Can’t answer this? Really each day passing come with a new and a complicated step to move ahead…. The fog is getting dense I can’t see anything…….
Really someone truly said----- We can’t have the best of both worlds, life is as such. "There are many ways to die. But Finding a way to live, now that"s hard." To quit, to run, to escape, to hide—none of these options solve anything. They only postpone the acceptance of, and reckoning with, reality.

I am feeling sensitive today more than usual
the pricks of life feel more prickly raw emotions
and some foreign, perhaps some I am not proud of..

Sometimes I think, if everyone were as sensitive
as me...than I would be less hurt by them
I would be more protected
but then the earth would be more ocean,
an ocean of tears,
If all were as sensitive as me.

We need land and ocean to survive,
so I must learn to stand
firm on the land,
embrace the pricks
and then sooth myself in my
own ocean of tears,
a healing balm for me.

I would rather have eyes that cannot see; ears that cannot hear;
lips that cannot speak, than a heart without you.
Ritesh Kotian & .................................

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change

I have a lot to say and whenever I have a lot to say, I can’t manage to get it out…. What I call it short of words…. . Sometimes I wonder if I pay attention to words about myself because I am scared of testing myself…. Now here I remember the litmus test…..RED OR BLUE or Neutral….. My warnings say, "This is how I am." Too much on emotional edge….This is how I will be forever….I know there are certain things we have that we can never change about ourselves…..Things that define our persona…..when people ask about it we say….This is how I am --- Like it or leave it. Such affirmations do wonders at keeping me stagnant and hidden. Such statements give up hope before it has been given a second thought. Really these days I chew these thoughts a lot…. Donno why….?

The reality is that although this is who I am, that does not mean that this is how I will always be. Deep down yes, I will always be a cynical, sarcastic. But just because I am a lazy today does not mean I will be tomorrow. When I am unable to formulate an opinion or tell people how I feel, I feel incompetent. I think of the phrase, “Only you know yourself,” yet here I am, unable to talk about my thoughts, the very things that make me me!

Yesterday, I was talking with someone about how stressed I have been feeling. Generally I do really well under pressure. Lately, I just feel like breaking down. “Stop worrying,” was the advice I was given. I laughed and responded, “Okay.I will.” I hate it when people tell me to stop worrying. If it were that easy, I"d have done it by now. It sounds like they"re looking down on me, and they obviously just don"t get it. It"s frustrating to not be understood.

I got angry at the blasé attitude rooted in the response. It struck a chord. In the statement, “stop worrying,” I could hear my father’s words. I am okay. Not depressed. Just…. donno wht. Recently someone was talking of how they are used to living their life in extremes. Either black or white. Happy or sad. AM just relating mah life wid it… There was a day when if I wasn’t bouncing off the walls I was bawling my eyes out. A happy medium was only an appealing theory. Today I am neither happy nor sad and I guess I struggle because I worry that that leaves me balancing insecurely on the edge of two temptations. It could go either way. When I lived my life in extremes there was no question as to how I was feeling. It was painfully obvious.

I guess my mood just boils down to me not dealing well with uncertainty and wanting to know and understand. But sometimes you just can’t. And I need to be okay with that.It’s hard to understand an emotion unless you"ve experienced it. One of my LEAST favourite phrases is "You"ll come out of it." Makes me want to snap their necks...

I just keep repeating that "everything will work out in the end" over and over again until, well I guess forever. But it will all work out. Sometimes well be sad.Sometimes happy. Hopefully more of the latter. A big part of life is about understanding ourselves and growing as a person. Its not easy, and we don’t always have a way out of things. But whatever happens, you just gotta go with it. I don"t believe you always have to experience something for yourself to understand or feel it with them either. But, a lot of people can"t empathize without experience and it bothers me when people say things like, "get over it." Anyone who prescribes you a quick fix like that doesn"t know what the hell you"re feeling .One of my bestest buddies said, “There is no use in worrying. At this point there is nothing you can do to change the situation.” He is right. Whatever will be, will be, regardless of how much time and energy I put into freaking the thing out.

I want resolution now. I want to get to the bottom of things. I want to understand. Nothing is going to happen overnight, however. Nothing is going to happen for a few nights and that is what kills me. I am going to have to sit with these feelings of anxiety and fear and just have hope that they don’t overwhelm me and eat me to death.
In the meantime I shall repeat, "This too shall pass," in addition to, "Everything happens for a reason" and hope that both adages prove to be correct.

Ritesh Kotian....