Current state of Mah Mind

No matter how nice a house we live in, no matter how well educated we become, no matter how secure we feel in job or family, no matter how well we manage to provide an appearance of happiness, if we are filled with anxieties and guilt and hopelessness, we cannot make it. I am the live example…..You got to trust on it….. If we cannot escape the certainty that we are no good or have no meaning, that is bad news. We need to count, to mean something, to be important to somebody, to make a difference.

I used to think everything will be fine… now I’m sick of thinking anything at all. Some things that you wish you could change never happen. I am today sitting….. so far from home…..alone…. away from mah love….waiting for things to happen………. People say nothing worth having comes without some kind of fight ---- fight for how long? Can anyone answer that?
I haven’t understood so many things that have happened lately, especially the hurtful things, the confusing things, but it is the hope of the goodness that still remains in my life and that’s mah love---- in spite of everything, that keeps me hanging on.

No matter how strong the base or how strong the foundation, everything comes down in the end. It’s something I’ve only recently begun to understand, because why is life so unfair in the sense that it’s able to take from you the things that mean the most?
Is it worth it to die a little each day all for unseen grace? Can’t answer this? Really each day passing come with a new and a complicated step to move ahead…. The fog is getting dense I can’t see anything…….
Really someone truly said----- We can’t have the best of both worlds, life is as such. "There are many ways to die. But Finding a way to live, now that"s hard." To quit, to run, to escape, to hide—none of these options solve anything. They only postpone the acceptance of, and reckoning with, reality.

I am feeling sensitive today more than usual
the pricks of life feel more prickly raw emotions
and some foreign, perhaps some I am not proud of..

Sometimes I think, if everyone were as sensitive
as me...than I would be less hurt by them
I would be more protected
but then the earth would be more ocean,
an ocean of tears,
If all were as sensitive as me.

We need land and ocean to survive,
so I must learn to stand
firm on the land,
embrace the pricks
and then sooth myself in my
own ocean of tears,
a healing balm for me.

I would rather have eyes that cannot see; ears that cannot hear;
lips that cannot speak, than a heart without you.
Ritesh Kotian & .................................

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change

I have a lot to say and whenever I have a lot to say, I can’t manage to get it out…. What I call it short of words…. . Sometimes I wonder if I pay attention to words about myself because I am scared of testing myself…. Now here I remember the litmus test…..RED OR BLUE or Neutral….. My warnings say, "This is how I am." Too much on emotional edge….This is how I will be forever….I know there are certain things we have that we can never change about ourselves…..Things that define our persona…..when people ask about it we say….This is how I am --- Like it or leave it. Such affirmations do wonders at keeping me stagnant and hidden. Such statements give up hope before it has been given a second thought. Really these days I chew these thoughts a lot…. Donno why….?

The reality is that although this is who I am, that does not mean that this is how I will always be. Deep down yes, I will always be a cynical, sarcastic. But just because I am a lazy today does not mean I will be tomorrow. When I am unable to formulate an opinion or tell people how I feel, I feel incompetent. I think of the phrase, “Only you know yourself,” yet here I am, unable to talk about my thoughts, the very things that make me me!

Yesterday, I was talking with someone about how stressed I have been feeling. Generally I do really well under pressure. Lately, I just feel like breaking down. “Stop worrying,” was the advice I was given. I laughed and responded, “Okay.I will.” I hate it when people tell me to stop worrying. If it were that easy, I"d have done it by now. It sounds like they"re looking down on me, and they obviously just don"t get it. It"s frustrating to not be understood.

I got angry at the blasé attitude rooted in the response. It struck a chord. In the statement, “stop worrying,” I could hear my father’s words. I am okay. Not depressed. Just…. donno wht. Recently someone was talking of how they are used to living their life in extremes. Either black or white. Happy or sad. AM just relating mah life wid it… There was a day when if I wasn’t bouncing off the walls I was bawling my eyes out. A happy medium was only an appealing theory. Today I am neither happy nor sad and I guess I struggle because I worry that that leaves me balancing insecurely on the edge of two temptations. It could go either way. When I lived my life in extremes there was no question as to how I was feeling. It was painfully obvious.

I guess my mood just boils down to me not dealing well with uncertainty and wanting to know and understand. But sometimes you just can’t. And I need to be okay with that.It’s hard to understand an emotion unless you"ve experienced it. One of my LEAST favourite phrases is "You"ll come out of it." Makes me want to snap their necks...

I just keep repeating that "everything will work out in the end" over and over again until, well I guess forever. But it will all work out. Sometimes well be sad.Sometimes happy. Hopefully more of the latter. A big part of life is about understanding ourselves and growing as a person. Its not easy, and we don’t always have a way out of things. But whatever happens, you just gotta go with it. I don"t believe you always have to experience something for yourself to understand or feel it with them either. But, a lot of people can"t empathize without experience and it bothers me when people say things like, "get over it." Anyone who prescribes you a quick fix like that doesn"t know what the hell you"re feeling .One of my bestest buddies said, “There is no use in worrying. At this point there is nothing you can do to change the situation.” He is right. Whatever will be, will be, regardless of how much time and energy I put into freaking the thing out.

I want resolution now. I want to get to the bottom of things. I want to understand. Nothing is going to happen overnight, however. Nothing is going to happen for a few nights and that is what kills me. I am going to have to sit with these feelings of anxiety and fear and just have hope that they don’t overwhelm me and eat me to death.
In the meantime I shall repeat, "This too shall pass," in addition to, "Everything happens for a reason" and hope that both adages prove to be correct.

Ritesh Kotian....

Isn't this the whole story of ma life ..

Isn't this the whole story of ma life ...

FIRST PIC:


Break of Dawn -- New lease of life, Embarking upon a New Voyage......
A Child Flying Kite -- Young Blood, inspiring mind Aspiring to Fly High with Enormous Zest n Zeal... Boz U Know, Sky is The Limit......
A Small Tree -- Need to Nurture.......
Two Birds Hovering Above -- There r People Around to Take Ample Care of You, You r Actually Carefree.......

SECOND PIC:

Daylight -- You r Almost Halfway Through in This Voyage Called Life.....
Couple -- You Have a Better half of Yours to Lean Upon an Speak Your Heart Out to......
Grown-up Tree -- You Have Been Nurtured Profusely to Stand Tall an Rigidly in The Storms That May, Otherwise, Let U Down.........
A Small Tree -- You, Together With Your Better half, Have Given A New Lease of Life to Another Breaking Dawn (Your Child).........
One Bird Hovering Above -- There r Comparitively Less People Around You to Take Care of You, Unlike During Your Wonder Childhood Years.......

THIRD PIC:

Fall of Dusk -- Twilight is Setting Upon, Life Has Come a Full Circle....
An Old Man -- It's a Race Against Time Now On, It's The Beginning of The End of the Voyage....

Ageing Tree -- Signifies The Above Two Things, Second One Being The Personification of This........
Grown Tree -- Your Kins Have Grown Up, It's High Time You Start Supporting Them With Tender Care Rather Than Clashes..........
One Bird -- Self Explanatory, I Guess???
Grave -- In Course of The Voyage You Have Lost Luved Ones an You Also Start to Anticipate Your Ultimate Fate an Destiny..........

FOURTH PIC:

Nightfall -- Voyage is Over, Darkness is Looming Over, High Time to Say Good Bye....
Starry Sky -- There's Still Happiness Around, Thanks to The Aesthetic Memories Left by You an The Good Work Done Too......
Grown-up Tree -- Your Kins r Walking in Your Shoes now, It's For Them to Follow Your Footsteps Drawing Inspiration From Your Exemplary Life..
Grave With Two Crosses -- You r United With Your Soulmates an RIP......

This Pic Really have a Meaning of life...
Ritesh Kotian ....

What a loser

I am fucking pissed. I wrote a story all about ma own life, what I have seen & faced, what I have experienced and submitted to one of ma friend for further corrections.... but I been fired taking past present and feature, I had illusions that i was this great writer waiting to be discovered. Let’s say the next big thing in the world of publishing the next Ritesh a shit. But to ma horror I discovered that the stuff I write has little imagination in it. Oh! what bakwas i write. Absolute trash. On top of it ma life is real shitty rite now with nothing working for me. I don’t have any social life no laughter no smiles. Honestly never had one for ages. I don’t have a job, I flunk all the interviews that I happen to attend. I can’t write shit. The only things i can write well are essays. I can write about a tree, a house, a open sky, a human being, tears, broken heart and the rest of the kindergarten stuff. But tell me to write a decent story about relationships and all i do is write some crap…

I hate ma life, I hate ma name, Ritesh Kotian, why on earth couldnt ma parents give me a simple name like rajendra or mahendra. Why did they have to name me like a film star. I mean with a name like this i should have all the pretty dames swooning around me. I kinda shrink whenever ma name is called out in the open. I think I will shorten it to A 'dot' . I look like shit, pig faced would be like abusing the pigs. The only person who says that I look interesting is ma dear friend dolly and that too when she is in a good mood. Otherwise she too takes pot shots at me. There was this girl Priya, she was email buddy for a long time, she tried and tried but she couldn’t get ma pix from me. She wrote emails pleading for ma pixs and all i did was promise that i would send it soon. Right now she is dating somebody her junior she is definitely pissed at me coz she writes long mails telling me that she is having a whale of a time with her boyfriend. What a nasty piece of work. So this is ma life and it isn’t worth a shit. I am bitching rite now Boz i am really upset and pissed. Life is such a bitch. I dont know whether that was correct but it stays put Boz i dont want to be grammatically correct for once, so screw the grammar, screw the spellings, screw everybody. Rite now I am going to write some awfully shitty stories and irritate a lot of people. I need to get rid of this bile quick. Yeah i know i am writing like shit but i dont care i am in a shitty mood. So here are some of ma stories about a cow, a crow, a dog with a bone and few others that escape ma attention.

Story of crow
There was a crow he sat on a wire with two legs coz he had two legs only. His feathers were not flapping coz he was not flying and his beaks were closed coz he was not cawing. Ok shit i don’t know the rest of the story........ maybe the crow got shot or something well i dont know...........maybe the bloody cat ate it .........or it got electrocuted or something.......oh ya i am bloody insensitive.......ok then shoot me then. see if i care.......call maneka aunty i dont care....

Story of cow
There was this big cow it had four legs and it was standing on four of them. It had a tail because it was born with only one and it was chewing cud because cows dont chew bubble gum. The cow lifted its legs and let loose some cow dung, ok i don’t whether they lift their leg or not but this one did kasam se...........ok end of story.......bye

The tree
There was this tree and it was green above and dark brown a little below. It had many leaves I didn’t count so I can’t tell you how many exactly. It was tall I don’t know how tall coz I didn’t have a ruler with me. It was a tree and I don’t know which one coz I don’t carry wikipedia with me. So this tree grew up for days no for years till it became a very big tree again I don’t know how big because I don’t have a foot ruler with me.

A dog with a bone
A dog had a big bone. The bone was made of bone. It was a tasty bone and dog eat it with relish. Dog bite on bone many times making noise. I t;s remove the noise sho sho at the dog. Dog look at me and say go away come again another day, I don’t care and sho sho much louder but dog eat and eat and eat till bone gone from view. I then go inside and come outside with slippers and go to market for shopping......

Please dont give me lectures I in no mood for lectures or debates so pls don’t tell everything will be ok Boz everything will not be ok i know that so plz no and girls I love you very much but no I am not good looking so don’t weave phantasies around me ok. Gawd I am feeling elated rite now this shit is good.

Pleas: ma Devil Friend has brought some sandwiches for me rite now and is asking whether i would prefer chicken or palag panner for dinner. I am so hungry that i can have both but he is a kanjoos makhi choos and i dont think i am going to have either.

Note: This blog had an immediate effect on ma evil friend, special for taking past present & features an a huge bulk of lectures for her and she proceeded to give me a treat so that i would shut up and stop bothering her. So In the past few hours i have had aloo chat, roshogollas, sandwiches, palak paneer and fruits. I will not call her evil for the next twenty four hours, i think ....

Ritesh Kotian.......