Saturday, May 17, 2008

Dream

Dream

In the trapped darkness of ma loneliness heart and thoughts faded away….
I crack open a space in ma mind where I keep ma dreams…
Hidden and locked inside revealing bright colors and shatter paths
And sounds filled with laughter I sweep away those dreams like dust under the carpet…
Sometimes for the briefest of time they become Fantasies filled with life
But when I seal the crack I am left alone Trapped in the darkness
Struggling to hold a dream glowing and gone A lifeless dream scattered into the winds that howl.......

I miss you more than words can ever say
I'm going to need you more and more each day
Your words warm my soul
And reach out to my very core
I can lose myself in your eyes
And it breaks my heart to say "goodbye"
I wish you all the love and happiness this world can offer
As i move away from you further and further
Life without you is going to be as barren as a desert
Leaving me heartbroken and bereft of pleasure
The need to be with you becomes greater and greater
Till this desire can no longer get any bigger
I miss your smile, your charm, your humor
I miss the strength that has always sheilded me like an armor
I need you here to kiss away my tears
To erase my sorrows
I need you for all the tomorrows.....


Ritesh Kotian..................

Friday, May 16, 2008

Love beats


I am admitting that I am smitten…

And I am head over heals over this girl. I don't know who she really is even I don’t know de full name of her not even the birth year, and we have not even had a Blood relationship or any physical touché conversation. All i do is to sit and listen when she speaks, a sweet voice which spines in ma head and if i do speak, ma voice will never reach her like hers reaches mine. But do i want to? I am not sure. Moreover that sweet voice has kept me spell bound for the last couple of years. To be exact, since i landed in Pimpri. Ma way of traveling was bike from pimpri to pune an while travel with ma friend her musical voice ringing through ears.

This is not de 1st time I am going, I been there too with one friend, still remind a heavy drunken mind an asking for the address an name… could be bitten up there by local peoples or a watchman of building or could be behind de bar… but cant remove more time over place an we bagged came back to our home town.

Then de second attempt with one more friend…

An unfortunately we reach the same location an get de accrued address, could be wrong place but as far mind says would be same location, between the bloom of rain between doom I saw some one singing… Finally i realized that she can sing also. That too, not bad. (I for that matter, bray!) Half ma friends around me had a hypnotized look on their face which i didn't like at all. I was not sure if that was because of her or the song that she played on her radio. The sense of music was exactly like mine. And that laugh.. Awwoooo.. i envy all the guys who work with her who get the golden moments to share when she laughs.

She speaks good marathi. And i haven't heard anyone talking marathi so sweetly as she does. Ma friend said its because she is form pune or nashik or else she mixes English with marathi. I don't care if she mixes English with Pudina chutney. As long as its her, its good. I am almost on the verge of learning marathi so that i could follow her word by word.

I got really pissed off when de day i was not able to talk her or listen to her. I realized then that she has gotten into ma mind so much. I almost decided to do a Munna Bhai and go to her daddy’s office way and talk to her. But i basically being a coward, found hundred and one reasons to not to do so. What if she is Daughter? What if she has Relatives almost next to her? What if she has a lots of friends? What if she is the sister of a local goon? And more terribly, what if she is single and said OK for me? What will i do then? Questions are always easy to find. Its to find the answers that gives the problems.

So i decided to do what i can do best. Written a blog. Not that it will make a world of difference. I don't even know if she reads this blogs. And i don't have the guts to tell her to come and read ma blogs. She being a leading RJ of an FM radio might have many things in her mind other than reading ma stupid blogs.

But I am smitten by her….

hhmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm! Ritesh .....

Monday, February 25, 2008

Confession..........

Confession.................


Sometimes I get confused that what should I believe……..I mean I strongly believe in destiny…..destiny which is made by god for us………destiny which is pre planned by Him……..destiny which always proves me wrong……..whenever I feel that everything is going wrong and now there’s no way than at that very moment He (God) sent someone for my help………I also get confused when I think about God and destiny side by side……..for me God is my provider…..He’s the only power which provide me love, strength to fight back in difficulties, my friends who are always there for me at my weaker stage, my family who’s my biggest strength, my will power and above all bless me with such wonderful parents, Sis and also my grandpa, however, he is not with me…….he is sitting up there with god seeing me with so much love in his eyes……but still something is missing……I can not find out that missing space in my life…….feeling as if m running for something……..may be running for success…….by God’s grace I have everything which is required by a person like love of all my loved ones, sound family, good friends, good education specially I’m proud of being a convent educated boy because my school was my base and helped me to make me confident and carry myself with dignity in this society………..I don’t know why I’m writing all this. Actually there are so many things which are going on in my mind right now but not getting an words to convert into words………and I myself don’t know what I want to write……..fine it’s more than enough now…..I can not control my emotions now…..actually I have seen so many dreams for me , my family and my grandpa that now I’m feeling as if I’m over stressed by my expectations from myself…..I have a lot of strength to fight back with complexes which r coming in my way these days……..I have lot of will power still left in me………..and it’s all because I personally believe that my biggest strength is my blind faith on my God………He have always blessed me with everything which I needed……..whenever I asked him to give me something he gave me in big quantities……….and that’s how my faith developed……n today for the first time time I’m really feeling guilty………..actually this time when I asked him for something he didn’t gave or I can say may be he’s delaying to give it at right time……….but this time I don’t know why I lost my patience and fought with Him(God)…….I said so many bad things to him……I said He don’t love me, however, somewhere in my sub-consciousness I knew that I’m doing wrong……..He love me……but I’m like that……I can not keep things within me………n now it’s around 4 months of guilt which I’m suffering from………..I said sorry to Him but I think He didn’t forgave me because I’m still waiting for him to wave his magic wand n bless me…………I know I’m expecting so much after committing a mistake……..but I just have Him to forgive me for all my mistakes and nourish me with my needs and selfish desires………….I can not expect anyone else for this………..and I believe that everyone of us have Him in us and if u people can help me out to come out of this feeling of guilt then please help me…………please forgive me………m asking u too 4 forgiveness of my mistakes as all of u have Him within u………….. I’m SORRY…….

Ritesh........

Tuesday, January 1, 2008

I have full faith and belief on you.

It hurts. I don"t want you to fix it for me in this moment. Just let me feel this pain so I can let it move through me in and out, away from ma heart. I am confused and scared and angry and full of sadness and grief. I know it will happen someday. I know I need to have patience but please don"t shush these emotions because you are scared for me and don"t know what else to say. Just validate ma feelings. I know soon I"ll wake up refreshed and renewed with more insight and a clear mind but today I am full of a heaviness that is taking every ounce of strength that I have. So I cannot be today what you want me to be.

Ma Dear Swituu… (Ma sweet Baby), everything you said the other day was so perfect. I have changed ……. But you think I have changed for you. No, that’s not true. But anyway I won’t give any explanation, because I am sure somewhere deep within you know how it is. Just want to say one last thing thank you for creating such a wide open space for ma feelings and for yours. I love you…..

I love you,
I cherish you,
you are perfect just as you are...
Yes, you are perfect just as you are FOR ME!!!
I believe in you
I have faith in you.
You are capable doing everything to make us happy and stay together.

You asked me many times, that I don’t have full faith or trust on you that you can built a better tomorrow for us. I had no answer infact that was something I never even thought in ma dream you asking me, when you know me to core. I not only love you for what you are but also for you have been what you where…… and I have full faith and belief on you.

I know I’ve let u down, I never meant to but it just did happened.

Just want to say one thing " The question is not what you look at, but what you see."

Everyday with every worthless word we get more far away, the distance between us makes it so hard and more and more difficult for me to explain things, it hurts but I guess it may be the only way.

I screw up one thing after another. Weather it’s me being too hyper, or too loud. I screws up so many things. I wish people didn’t think I was psycho. Yes, I am a psycho, Weirdo, insane. I wish so many things would change. But the littlest changed thing could change your whole life. You could be one breath away from your last. You could be one step away from falling. You can be one tear away from a breakdown.

Life is so weird….

dReAmS cAn oNLy bE dReAmS... NotHiNg mOrE... tHe MoRe yOu HoPe fOr, tHe hArDeR YoU"d FALL!!!!


ritesh kotian

I can’t seem to crush this nagging thought

I don’t know what to do…and say.. I have been feeling upset ….This is one of those times when you really kneel down in front of God close eyes and wish he could give you wings to fly…you must be thinking what’s wrong with this senti-mental guy…. But I can’t seem to crush this nagging thought from ma mind…. No, friends nothing wrong with me just am upset and worried because ma Honey , ma bachii… is unwell from past few days………I was talking with her on phone night and I could feel how unbearable was that for her…. Its hurting… Ma love caught up by cough and cold … its winter over approaching there in place … hmmmm…..could be the change of weather, an in a new atmosphere she is suffering from running nose, sore throat, bad cough and little fever with small pain in stomach …..Yesterday she had an awful headache was finding it difficult to talk also......I miss her to pieces, but not able to do anything…. Couldn’t sleep wholenight yesterday….. life is so disturbed suddenly … donno what to do???........No one around all alone she is, sick and tired……. she Msged me on the phone my heart was crying with the pain she was suffering …. I donno when I will be by her side taking care of her need….. I"m feeling crabby … God, please please send me to her…… or send her to me……….please u just have these two option…... no other way……and with a time limit …….please don’t take donkey years like we human beings……cant bear this anymore…. Please….Please Please Please Please take care of her God….. she got only you right now who can take care of her……I can’t say….. How I wish you"re by my side now….. I am crying silent in ma heart (without you knowing) I"m really too emotional. More than anyone I have known or read about. I have just learnt to hide it and she taught me to do that … but at this moment just cant control ma self…eyes filled with tears and now they are flowing non-stop... I know when you read this you will also get upset because I am worried and will immediately call me and say— hey dump!! Don’t worry I"ll will be ok……
Sweetheart, I cried for those time because no one out there with you to understands how you feel….. But I think that’s ok…… I know He up there can see everything….. you just be yourself and take care of yourself for my sake… eat food and take medicine on time….Just keep on holding to God"s unchanging hand. He will take care of you….till the time he wraps us together in the gold laced bag he named – MARRIAGE --- I will also be holding on ma faith that God will take away all the sufferings and will heal you and make you healthy soon-----

BIG BEAR HUGS N KISSES! DONT WORRY I WONT squeeze too tight! Praying for you your dump naughty senti ritesh !!!!

You Are The Moon --- With Mute Sound…..

Shadows all around you as you surface from the dark
Emerging from the gentle grip of night"s unfolding arms
Darkness, darkness everywhere, do you feel all alone?
The subtle grace of gravity, the heavy weight of stone


You don"t see what you possess, a beauty calm and clear
It floods the sky and blurs the darkness like a chandelier
All the light that you possess is skewed by lakes and seas
The shattered surface, so imperfect, is all that you believe


I will bring a mirror, so silver, so exact
So precise and so pristine, a perfect pane of glass
I will set the mirror up to face the blackened sky
So you can see your beauty every morning that you rise.

this blog have written long time back.. But never got a time to publish it... Ritesh K...