The reality is that although this is who I am, that does not mean that this is how I will always be. Deep down yes, I will always be a cynical, sarcastic. But just because I am a lazy today does not mean I will be tomorrow. When I am unable to formulate an opinion or tell people how I feel, I feel incompetent. I think of the phrase, “Only you know yourself,” yet here I am, unable to talk about my thoughts, the very things that make me me!
Yesterday, I was talking with someone about how stressed I have been feeling. Generally I do really well under pressure. Lately, I just feel like breaking down. “Stop worrying,” was the advice I was given. I laughed and responded, “Okay.I will.” I hate it when people tell me to stop worrying. If it were that easy, I"d have done it by now. It sounds like they"re looking down on me, and they obviously just don"t get it. It"s frustrating to not be understood.
I got angry at the blasé attitude rooted in the response. It struck a chord. In the statement, “stop worrying,” I could hear my father’s words. I am okay. Not depressed. Just…. donno what. Recently someone was talking of how they are used to living their life in extremes. Either black or white. Happy or sad. AM just relating ma life with it… There was a day when if I wasn’t bouncing off the walls I was bawling my eyes out. A happy medium was only an appealing theory. Today I am neither happy nor sad and I guess I struggle because I worry that that leaves me balancing insecurely on the edge of two temptations. It could go either way. When I lived my life in extremes there was no question as to how I was feeling. It was painfully obvious.
I guess my mood just boils down to me not dealing well with uncertainty and wanting to know and understand. But sometimes you just can’t. And I need to be okay with that.It’s hard to understand an emotion unless you"ve experienced it. One of my LEAST favourite phrases is "You"ll come out of it." Makes me want to snap their necks...
I just keep repeating that "everything will work out in the end" over and over again until, well I guess forever. But it will all work out. Sometimes well be sad.Sometimes happy. Hopefully more of the latter. A big part of life is about understanding ourselves and growing as a person. Its not easy, and we don’t always have a way out of things. But whatever happens, you just gotta go with it. I don"t believe you always have to experience something for yourself to understand or feel it with them either. But, a lot of people can"t empathize without experience and it bothers me when people say things like, "get over it." Anyone who prescribes you a quick fix like that doesn"t know what the hell you"re feeling .One of my bestest buddies said, “There is no use in worrying. At this point there is nothing you can do to change the situation.” She is right. Whatever will be, will be, regardless of how much time and energy I put into freaking the thing out.
I want resolution now. I want to get to the bottom of things. I want to understand. Nothing is going to happen overnight, however. Nothing is going to happen for a few nights and that is what kills me. I am going to have to sit with these feelings of anxiety and fear and just have hope that they don’t overwhelm me and eat me to death.
In the meantime I shall repeat, "This too shall pass," in addition to, "Everything happens for a reason" and hope that both adages prove to be correct.
Ritesh Kotian....
